Ernest Hemingway Parody
by Crypticace
Summary: This is a parody I wrote for my English class that focuses on the, er, humorous side of Hemingway's writing. Let's just say that this little work is an example of all the reasons I hate Hemingway. Enjoy the bravado, the chauvinism, and the weaponry!


I rose from the muddy ground, for it was midmorning and I was awake. I rose, for that is what awake people do. They rise. I then grabbed my Chauchat, Colt Automatic Rifle, Lewis machine gun, Madsen machine gun, and Browning M2M249 Squad Automatic Weapon from the dirty floor. I shot and killed a giant Marlin which leapt at me from the ocean. It leapt for it was a Marlin. And that is what Marlins must do. They leap. After killing the fish, I cooked him. I felt bad for I was eating the fish which could have fed a village if they were to eat the fish which I had cooked, for the village could have eaten well. But I ate the fish for that is what awake people do. They eat the fish for awake people must eat the fish. I then took a drink of my Brandy Manhattan, Crunk Juice, Incredible Hulk, Savoy Corpse Reviver, Stinger, Tom and Jerry, Rabo-de-galo, Chocolate Soldier, Gin and tonic, Lime Rickey, Long Island Iced Tea, Pink Gin, Pink Lady, Salty Dog, Satan's Whiskers, White Lady, Wolfram, Caribou Lou, Dragonfly, El Presidente, Fish House Punch, Flaming Dr. Pepper, Grog, Mojito Royal, Nog-a-Sake, Sake Screwdriver, and Tamagozake. It was good, for it burned down my throat like a flaming fireball of destruction on its way to my liver. It was good. Then, I turned to the lovely woman in bed next to me.

"Who are you?"

"Maria."

"Why?"

"Because."

"You are pretty."

"Thank you."

"Let's sleep together."

"Sure."

"What was your name?"

"Maria."

"Why are you all named Maria?"

"Because."

So I slept with her. Afterwards, I left. I left for I had a duty. That duty was to do my duty, for it was my duty to do my duty dutifully. That was my duty. So I must do it. My duty was to go hunting. Then I must fight a few bulls, go fishing, have a war, and kill someone. I knew this was his duty, because I was one of Ernest Hemingway's characters, and all of Ernest Hemingway's characters must be macho. I was honestly more interested in seeing the Nutcracker ballet performed, but it would have been incredibly out of style for me to do that. So, instead, I grabbed a few more drinks (a Kensington Court Special,  
Kremlin Colonel, Link Up, Madras, Mind Eraser, Moscow Mule, and a Mudslide) and I left the cave that I was living in to get into my giant tank. Then, with guns blazing, I went to have a bull fight. Once I was there, I drove over the bull with the tank. Clearly I had won the bull fight.

Having won the bull fight which I won for having fought the bull and winning, I went to fight in the war. I killed 3,000 men there, including the 300 Spartans which supposedly held off the Persian invasion, the incredible Hulk, Jesus, and the Justice League. No matter how incredible my opponents were I would kill them. For that is what I was to do.

Just then, one million pounds of gold dropped from the sky, the girl of my dreams appeared, I knew I had won the lottery, I figured out the meaning to life, was elected president of the world, got a 'get out of jail free' card, and went back in time to stop Hitler before he began the holocaust. My life was amazing and I was happy. Then, of course, my card was lost in the wind of an incoming storm which also struck my beautiful girl with lightning. Then I also lost my position as president of the world to Hitler (who came back through the time continuum), and I forgot the meaning of life and lost all of my money gambling simultaneously. This wasn't unusual at all though, because this always seems to happen to me. As soon as something good happens, everything needs to turn out badly. Then, I was attacked by a large group of sharks who devoured my remaining dignity. I died.

Author's note:

I wrote this for my English class last year, and I figure that perhaps someone else will find some humor in it. You should drop me a note if you do--it would be nice to know that my oh-so-wonderful ex-English teacher's view isn't the only one!

This parody focused on some particular areas of Hemingway's style, including: (1) the use of macho activities such as hunting and fishing, (2) marlins and sharks, (3) a girl with a Spanish name, (4) drinking, (5) guns, (6) tanks and warfare, (7) sex, (8) the wilderness, (9) repetitive sentences and repetitive sentence structures, (10) a bull fight, (11) a hero who against everything before losing most or all of it, (12) exceptionally short dialogue, and (13) a hero who dies after succeeding.


End file.
